A Long Awaited Inflection Point
[Gray] Yesterday, I finally hit a point during my therapy work where I did a big chunk of healing. I believe this in addition to a big chunk Ranger did not too long ago, we managed to make enough progress to start doing more stuff in the mind in general. Last night I was actually overstimulated and surprised by my stronger creativity skills, but that could have been the boatload of sugar contributing too. At the very least, things seemed to have improved overall.
System Stuff
This afternoon, I played in a sand box with Dream. He wanted to keep things simple and simple it was. I daydreamed quite a bit, my mind floating to stuff like Mark Rober's video about sand, but I was able to achieve the normal wonderland-focus feel.
Things started off a bit shaky because I had some trouble focusing on the visualization warm-up. Once I changed the color to green, I made some progress. Dream encouraged me to do one detail at a time, although this may have been overly cautious on his part. I recall having the feeling things were hyper realistic after the fact even though it soon became obvious they were not. Ranger and Dream's forms aren't very detailed based on our mind's eye, their forms still heavily rely on impressions.
Once focused on the sandbox, I spent some time with a very excited but also paranoid headmate. Dream made a sand angel, we threw some sand on each other, Dream didn't allow me to make a sand castle with water being afraid it would summon a beach scene, and he sunk into the sand insisting it was okay because he was a robot. Despite the tension it was nice to do some causal wonderlanding again.
Dream really misses wonderlanding. Him being paranoid is a little annoying but he really doesn't want to lose the ability to do it again. For months now he has told us he doesn't really want to hang out much because he wants to wait until we are healed enough to properly wonderland again. He pointed out that what I did with him this afternoon we couldn't achieve within the last three or four months for sure.
Feeling more comfortable in our little sand box, Dream thought about his other clones and spoke to them. I guess there's still enough mental pain he can detect it as his other selves, but he also detected some progress and possibly the pain itself moving around. Who knows.
In general, we had trouble giving our headmates time to hang out. We often felt out of it, the task feeling beyond us. It didn't help our headmates were not too excited about their options and at times preferred to go back into dormancy.
Despite this, we did have some successful interactions. Blue is apparently a big fan of simple lemon pasta. Unfortunately Fhern hasn't found a food he's terribly excited about. Adriel still needs more time, he's going back and forth on whether to look more like his Tom part over his other parts or how to blend the looks of his parts together better.
One thing that has always been on my mind is the concern that a tulpa is used as an excuse for socializing. I have tried to avoid using Ranger as an excuse for social interaction as much as possible.
Lately, I haven't been having much luck though. I have a limited pool of interests that are even more limited than they would be thanks to all of the mental health garbage. I tend to reach out about the Collatz Conjecture, but even just talking about unsolved problems doesn't seem to be a popular topic in general. It doesn't help that I have a panic attack over trying to learn new hard math I find interesting. I tried joining a coding server and then an origami server, but nothing really works. Maybe I really do need to focus on healing more. Can't say I didn't try, and to be honest, Ranger hasn't been the most active herself anyway...
Dreams
Given all of the therapy work, most of the dreams we have are either bad or nightmares. In general, I am the one dreaming regardless who is switched-in, but since the 19th this month I noticed more instances of Ranger showing up. I have no idea if this is due to a change in expectation or if Ranger making progress with her therapy work has lead to her showing up more.
There was one instance where I remember waking up and Ranger thinking about something instead of me, that was a little goofy. I don't remember what it was about.
I have some silly things written down, but I don't feel like writing about them here. I should probably make a proper digital dream journal, but maybe that's something Ranger can do later (if we remember again)
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