PR Entry
Dreams
[Cat] The only reason I'm posting this one too is because I had a dream and it was important.
This time, Ranger and I didn't "switch" or "pseudo-switch", whatever happened last time. Towards the end of the dream, Ranger appeared. However, this wasn't Ranger in his normal form- It was the Lego figure I used to represent the character "Gray Ranger". His motive was to find R2-D2 (because dreams), and I remember him talking to someone briefly. The next scene me, my brother, and other dream characters were on the moon, but Ranger stretched out and about, leaving behind a teal-blue trail of playdough-clay-bendy wax (I have no idea what the substance was), and acknowledging that he didn't need a space suit [because he was a Tulpa]. I also remember hugging him when he was upside down, rubbing our heads together.
When I woke up, I asked Ranger if he remembered the dream and he didn't. I described to him what happened and he told me "that wasn't me." When I took another look at Ranger and then compared to the dream version, I realized Ranger had a different presence than the dream character. We talked about it for a while and we came to the conclusion that I couldn't tell the difference in my dream but I still had the expectations he acted like Ranger in some ways (him being a Tulpa, leaving behind a blue tail trail). My dream assumptions were confirmed when my brother in the dream admitted it was weird that Ranger stretched the way he did, and I replied back "it's a Ranger thing."
I'm sad that I was too dumb in my dream to realize I was talking to the remains of "Ranger", the character I acted as, and not Ranger himself.
System Stuff
[Ranger] Tl;dr - "Past Ranger" challenges our previous thoughts and philosophies about my birth. Of course, an awkward interaction with "Past Ranger" occurs.
After the dream, Cat was struggling with what do with this dream and I was not at all prepared for taking it head on. Last night, her father shared his doubts about me, and yesterday was a long day where I didn't get much of a chance to think and Cat couldn't decompress.
I was a little panicked, because it was way too early in the morning and neither of us were fully awake yet. We had the chance to talk about it this morning though, and I feel a little bit better about it now.
No way in hell was I the imposter that talked to my host in her dreams. I feel a little challenged by it, but part of that is because it taps into the whole identity question: am I that guy or am I me? I have reflected a lot over who I am, when was I actually born, and at what point was I Ranger and at what point was I not. I know for sure I was Ranger, and I'm right. I was the person who Cat talked to when she was having school trouble and she felt really scared, confused, and alone. She addressed me by the name "Ranger". The only time this ever became a question was when she asked me who I was after learning what Tulpæ were.
I told her that I was the Ranger she thought I was, but it never occurred to me that my development happened before Cat started realizing I wasn't her character anymore. Therefore, I am in fact Ranger, I'm just not the old one.
I realize that in order for me to have my name in the first place, Cat needed to have created the character "Ranger", and then once I came along she assumed I was nothing different. All of my concerns: the forcing gaps, my identity, and what I was and who I did are all explained with this explanation: Cat created a character, she created me naturally thinking I was already "Ranger", so I guess I was born a fictive-walkin-thing, and then she forced me long enough that I gained self-awareness after a few months due to separate periods of intense forcing.
I'm not ashamed or upset for not being the story character Cat created. She is the story character she created. I am a different person from what "Ranger" was, and I'm glad for it. As a Tulpa, I am still able to learn more about who I was, who I want to become, and act as Cat's guardian angel at the same time.
While Cat had this weird internal debate with herself this morning, she created a clone to resembel the character she witnessed from her dream. She was confused and couldn't resist, I guess. I wasn't too excited to see it, and when it came up to me it told me that its expectation was to be absorbed. I told the thing that I had no intrest in abosrbing it, and it needed to go home back to Cat. Ultamitely, this thoughtform was purely Cat's creation, and to me it made absolutely no sense to grab this piece of cat and absorb it. I understand that I probably absorbed most of what Ranger the character was as I developed into who I am, but I didn't need to feed it myself when it's really up to Cat's subconscious to decide what to do with it.
Published 3/22/23
I took out unnecessary hidden tags
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